Great Programmer Jokes (2)

Another set of developer / programmer / hacker-related jokes:

A man is smoking a cigarette and blowing smoke rings into the air.  His girlfriend becomes irritated with the smoke and says, “Can’t you see the warning on the cigarette pack?  Smoking is hazardous to your health!” 
To which the man replies, “I am a programmer.  We don’t worry about warnings; we only worry about errors.”
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There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.
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The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.
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A computer science student is studying under a tree and another pulls up on a flashy new bike.  The first student asks, “Where’d you get that?”
The student on the bike replies, “While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike.  She took off all her clothes and said, ‘You can have anything you want’.”
The first student responds, “Good choice!  Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.” 


Great Programmer Jokes (1)

Here are some jokes for programmers, developers, coders, and hackers. Not sure they are for the rest of us...



Two bytes meet.  The first byte asks, “Are you ill?” 
The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”


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A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat.  An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
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Eight bytes walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes.  “Make us a double.”
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Q. How did the programmer die in the shower?
A. He read the shampoo bottle instructions: Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None – It’s a hardware problem

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Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.
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Eight bytes walk into a bar.  The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
“Yeah,” reply the bytes.  “Make us a double.”
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There are only 10 kinds of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don’t.
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A programmer walks to the butcher shop and buys a kilo of meat.  An hour later he comes back upset that the butcher shortchanged him by 24 grams.
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“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
very long pause….
“Java.”

Some programmer jokes about sex

Q: What's the difference between Software Development and Sex? A: In sex, you don't get a bonus for releasing early.

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Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good. When it's bad, it's better than nothing.

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Q: How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
A: When he's washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.

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Java programming is like teenage sex ....
Everyone talks about it all of the time (but they don't really know what they're talking about);
Everyone claims to be doing it;
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it;
Those few who are actually doing it:
Are not practicing it safely;
Are doing it poorly, and
Are sure it will be better next time.