Some programmer jokes about sex

Q: What's the difference between Software Development and Sex? A: In sex, you don't get a bonus for releasing early.


Documentation is like sex. When it's good, it's very good. When it's bad, it's better than nothing.


Q: How can you tell when a programmer has had sex?
A: When he's washing the pepper spray out of his eyes.


Java programming is like teenage sex ....
Everyone talks about it all of the time (but they don't really know what they're talking about);
Everyone claims to be doing it;
Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it;
Those few who are actually doing it:
Are not practicing it safely;
Are doing it poorly, and
Are sure it will be better next time. 

Statler and Waldorf (Muppets) and the computer

Statler and Waldorf first try to turn the computer on (whatever that means) to surf the World Wide Web:

And here is another attempt to go online:

Chuck Norris and Computer (Jokes)

Chuck Norris doesn't use computers.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need an Operating System.
Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.
Chuck Norris doesn’t program with a keyboard. He stares the computer down until it does what he wants.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.
Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris’ keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
Chuck Norris’ programs never exit, they terminate!
Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
Chuck Norris doesn’t needs try-catch, exceptions are too afraid to raise.
Chuck Norris likes Windows 8 and knows how to operate it.
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t need sudo, he just types “Chuck Norris” before his commands.
Chuck Norris doesn’t get compiler errors, the language changes itself
to accommodate CN.
Computers may have kernel panic: Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.
Chuck Norris can read all encrypted data, because nothing can hide from Chuck Norris.
Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit “COMMIT” in its end.

Android and iPhone or: Android vs. iPhone

We live in a world where losing your iPhone is way more dramatic than losing your virginity.
Chuck Norris runs Android on an iPhone.
Chuck Norris has not customized his Android phone.
Chuck Norris does not have a smartphone, Chuck Norris is smart.
How many Android user does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q: Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
A: They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die. Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn't have a Flash player installed!
Do not touch MY iPhone. It's not an usPhone, it's not a wePhone, it's not an ourPhone, it's an iPhone.
What is the difference between Android 4.1 and 4.2? Six months.

IT personnel and management

 The following is an old joke that still holds a lot (or even more?) truth these days...

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says:
 "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."

The man below replies, "You must work in management."

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*

"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

Network-related jokes

I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.


A bunch of TCP packets go into a bar, until it's overcrowded. The next day, half as many go in.


A tcp packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beer”. The barman says: “You want a beer?”. The tcp packet replies “Yes, a beer."


All my DHCP jokes are leased.


You have to tell a broadcast joke to everybody to find the one who see the fun on it.


Sometimes I feel like a multicast packet. Ask 10 differenet people how to get somewhere and get 10 different answers.


The best thing about 404 jokes is… wait, damnit, it’s around here somewhere…


The trick about telling a good NTP joke is about the timing...


I heard a great one about IPSEC, but you wouldn’t get it — it’s an inside joke.


Telling a lot of bluetooth jokes will reduce the bandwidth of your WiFi jokes.

The Cowboy, the Yuppie, and the Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone 5, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Samsung Galaxy that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a DB2 on z/OS database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

Windows 8 - Some Jokes and Thoughts

Installation CD:
They say when you play that Microsoft CD backward you can hear satanic messages. But that's nothing: If you play it forward it will install Windows 8.

New form of navigation:
All scroll wheels go up and down, but Windows 8 wants you to scroll sideways.

Windows extreme:
You like Windows? With Windows 8 you got windows of windows in windows, plenty of windows to like.

Windows 8 is Windows XT (eXTreme).

The right choice?
If I wanted a smartphone OS on my computer I would use Android, not Windows 8.

Importance of Product Versioning:
Are you upgrading to Windows 8?
You must be joking, I already have Windows 95. I am not going backwards 87 versions.

Chuck Norris:
Chuck Norris is the only person to have started Windows 8 in Desktop Mode without ever seeing a single tile.

Chuck Norris knows already all the bugs of Windows 8.

Chuck Norris can operate Windows 8.

Marriage Contracts and Database Guys

Ever tried to marry a database guy? They will first try to negotiate a marriage contract and will start talking about savepoints, possible rollbacks, and how hard it can get to reach true commitment. Don't even get started in distributed environments (weekend relationships)...

Jokes about Database Administrators (DBAs)

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals?


Q: How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion.


A DBA goes out of his visual studio to go to the InitPub and asks for a large Table with a View. The localhost, who is also the enterprise manager here, points with his index finger: “Why don’t you join those two tables over there? “. The DBA takes a quick lookup and says, “They are looking very user friendly, but I’m not sure if they are into a union”. The localhost insists: “They are nice looking models, this is a hint”. ” Ok, ” says the DBA, “but I think they are very interested in a commit, and I am only interested in a loose connection and a little transaction. I think I’m not the type for such good looking relational model”. The localhost turns around, just saying ” Well, access with integrity” and goes on with his services. The DBA goes to the tables. ” Hello, what can i get you?” The response is a bit cold: “We like our usual ACID. But for the record, I don’t like to abort, so you’d better roll back to where you came from”. The DBA was a bit or 8 shocked by this result. “Oh! But we could have a shared memory together” he says. “how about a replication?”. ” Nope, it’s runtime for you now. Out!”

That triggers the DBA to leave immediately; he doesn’t even want to make a snapshot, and walks out. “I need to recover” he thought, “I’m standalone again, but that’s okay. Two tables? Such relation would have been one-too- many for me anyway….”


"NULL is the Chuck Norris of the database - nothing can be compared to it."

Car problems: Technicians and engineers

So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car's brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. But somehow the driver manages to not careen off the road and the manage glide to a stop once safely down the hill.

They all get out and catch their breath for a minute.

The manager is first to speak, "Well, let me get my cell phone so I can call the tow truck to take it to the garage."

The hardware engineer says, "No, no, no, just pop the hood and we can fix the problem ourselves."

The software engineer says, "Guys, just wait. Before we do anything we should take it up the hill and see if it happens again!"


Q: How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road with a flat tire?
A: He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.


Q: How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road who has run out of gas?
A: He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.


Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

Street smart mathematics

A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. "You gotta pass my test first", he told the applicant.
"Here's your first question."

"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred. So when do I start work?"

Data Center and 24x7

The Data Center

There is a really, really, old story about the data center of the future.
This data center runs 24x7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.

The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

Cutting a wire in the data center

The following video shows why not everybody should be taken into a data center. They might cause extreme sweating and a higher heartbeat...

Silly SQL Stuff (and database jokes)

  • A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says "Can I join you?"
    Then a waitress walks up and says "Nice view".
  • At what time do the SQL developers start work? Generally about three hours after they arrive in the morning.
  •  Q1: What did the DBA say to the Developer?
    A: It doesn’t matter, he wasn’t listening anyway.
    Q2: What did the Developer say to the DBA?
    A: It doesn’t matter, the answer was no.
  • DBA 1: "How many developers work at your office?"
    DBA 2: "Oh, about half of them!"
  • There are two types of DBAs:
    1) DBAs that do backups
    2) DBAs that will do backups
  • Q: Why do you never ask SQL people to help you move your furniture?
    A: They sometimes drop the table.
  •  SQL Table walks to a psychiatrist dr. Index
     Table: "Doctor, I have a problem"
     Dr: "what kind a problem?"
     Table: "I'm a mess. I have things all over the place, i always look for my stuff"
     Dr. "No problem. I will get you in order".
  • He picked those two tables after performing a full scan of the other tables in the room.
  • Q: When did God create the DBA ?
    A. The day before he had his rights revoked.

Some old geek jokes

  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
  • I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
  • I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  • The box said 'Requires Windows 8 or better'. So I installed Linux
  • Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
  • The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  • C++ is a write-only language. I can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
  • How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
  • Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor
  • UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  • You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
  • It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
  • Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
  • Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  • The truth is out there...try to google it?
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  • Press every key to continue
  • Computers can never replace human stupidity
  • Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
  • Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero
  • Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  • All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
  • I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
  • What color do you want that database?
  • Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
  • There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

Life after death by powerpoint

Life in the data center...

A video produced by IBM?