Jokes about Database Administrators (DBAs)

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with computer professionals?


Q: How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion.


A DBA goes out of his visual studio to go to the InitPub and asks for a large Table with a View. The localhost, who is also the enterprise manager here, points with his index finger: “Why don’t you join those two tables over there? “. The DBA takes a quick lookup and says, “They are looking very user friendly, but I’m not sure if they are into a union”. The localhost insists: “They are nice looking models, this is a hint”. ” Ok, ” says the DBA, “but I think they are very interested in a commit, and I am only interested in a loose connection and a little transaction. I think I’m not the type for such good looking relational model”. The localhost turns around, just saying ” Well, access with integrity” and goes on with his services. The DBA goes to the tables. ” Hello, what can i get you?” The response is a bit cold: “We like our usual ACID. But for the record, I don’t like to abort, so you’d better roll back to where you came from”. The DBA was a bit or 8 shocked by this result. “Oh! But we could have a shared memory together” he says. “how about a replication?”. ” Nope, it’s runtime for you now. Out!”

That triggers the DBA to leave immediately; he doesn’t even want to make a snapshot, and walks out. “I need to recover” he thought, “I’m standalone again, but that’s okay. Two tables? Such relation would have been one-too- many for me anyway….”


"NULL is the Chuck Norris of the database - nothing can be compared to it."

Car problems: Technicians and engineers

So a software engineer, a hardware engineer and their manager are in the car going to an expo in their rental car. To get there they must navigate a treacherous mountain road. While they are coming down a steep and narrow incline the car's brakes go out. The car starts going way too fast and they all fear this will be the end of their lives. But somehow the driver manages to not careen off the road and the manage glide to a stop once safely down the hill.

They all get out and catch their breath for a minute.

The manager is first to speak, "Well, let me get my cell phone so I can call the tow truck to take it to the garage."

The hardware engineer says, "No, no, no, just pop the hood and we can fix the problem ourselves."

The software engineer says, "Guys, just wait. Before we do anything we should take it up the hill and see if it happens again!"


Q: How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road with a flat tire?
A: He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.


Q: How do you recognize a field service engineer on the side of the road who has run out of gas?
A: He's changing each tire to see which one is flat.


Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car stalled out.

The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."

Street smart mathematics

A Houston construction boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Louisiana Cajun. "You gotta pass my test first", he told the applicant.
"Here's your first question."

"Without using numbers represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Cajun says. "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw 3 trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Well, tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," replies the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture of the three trees and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now! So dirty tree and dirty tree and dirty tree. Dat is 99!"
"All right. Last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space again, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred!"
The foreman looks at the attempt. "How in the world does this represent a hundred?"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says,
"A little dog come along and crap by each tree, so now you've got dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and a turd and dirty tree and turd, and dat make one 'undred. So when do I start work?"

Data Center and 24x7

The Data Center

There is a really, really, old story about the data center of the future.
This data center runs 24x7 with only a man and a dog.
The man's job is to feed the dog.

The dog's job is to make sure the man does not touch the computer.

Cutting a wire in the data center

The following video shows why not everybody should be taken into a data center. They might cause extreme sweating and a higher heartbeat...

Silly SQL Stuff (and database jokes)

  • A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says "Can I join you?"
    Then a waitress walks up and says "Nice view".
  • At what time do the SQL developers start work? Generally about three hours after they arrive in the morning.
  •  Q1: What did the DBA say to the Developer?
    A: It doesn’t matter, he wasn’t listening anyway.
    Q2: What did the Developer say to the DBA?
    A: It doesn’t matter, the answer was no.
  • DBA 1: "How many developers work at your office?"
    DBA 2: "Oh, about half of them!"
  • There are two types of DBAs:
    1) DBAs that do backups
    2) DBAs that will do backups
  • Q: Why do you never ask SQL people to help you move your furniture?
    A: They sometimes drop the table.
  •  SQL Table walks to a psychiatrist dr. Index
     Table: "Doctor, I have a problem"
     Dr: "what kind a problem?"
     Table: "I'm a mess. I have things all over the place, i always look for my stuff"
     Dr. "No problem. I will get you in order".
  • He picked those two tables after performing a full scan of the other tables in the room.
  • Q: When did God create the DBA ?
    A. The day before he had his rights revoked.

Some old geek jokes

  • There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't
  • I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly
  • I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
  • Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
  • The box said 'Requires Windows 8 or better'. So I installed Linux
  • Unix, DOS and Windows...the good, the bad and the ugly
  • The code that is the hardest to debug is the code that you know cannot possibly be wrong
  • C++ is a write-only language. I can write programs in C++, but I can't read any of them
  • How's my programming? Call 1-800-DEV-NULL
  • Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor
  • UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity
  • You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead
  • How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  • There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer
  • It's not bogus, it's an IBM standard
  • Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers
  • Squash one bug, you'll see ten new bugs popping
  • Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes
  • Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  • The truth is out there...try to google it?
  • Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
  • Press every key to continue
  • Computers can never replace human stupidity
  • Unix is user friendly...its just selective about who its friends are
  • Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero
  • Hey! It compiles! Ship it!
  • All computers run at the same speed... with the power off
  • I'm sorry, our software is perfect. The problem must be you
  • What color do you want that database?
  • Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
  • There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.

Life after death by powerpoint

Life in the data center...

A video produced by IBM?